At Source HQ, we spend more time than is entirely necessary discussing the love lives of our favourite celebrities. We can’t help it – it’s like an addiction. But today we got thinking… How will things turn out for our favourite pairings? We’ve done a little bit of guess work…
Kim and Kanye
Kanye made the front cover of US Vogue to promote his new Yeezy 10 collection, made up entirely of rags scavenged from landfill sites. He is channelling recycled chic and his garments are, like, totally vintage, but he’s a good guy because he’s saving the planet right? He is just about to release his autobiography, the Bible 2: The Life and Times of Yeezus, which will coincide with North’s third selfie book, covering ages 12-14. Kim has brought out a 5D contouring kit which not only makes your face appear holographic, but also includes a highlighting kit to use on your derierre to make it appear bigger. She has used so much Botox by this point that any attempt to express emotion threatens to melt her forehead completely.
Calvin and T-Swift
Having spent the past ten years trying and failing to make their squads get along, Calvin’s rowdy Dumfries posse take the biscuit at their star studded wedding in Versailles when they perform their own strip rendition of Bad Blood, covering their dignity with see-you Jimmy hats together with bottles of Buckfast which they manage to spill on the glam bridesmaids and Taylor’s diamante encrusted Versace gown. Ever the professional, Taylor laughs it off but spends the rest of the day arguing with Calvin about the name of their second daughter. She wants to call her Pricilla, but he wants to call her Agnes (stage name Senga). Kanye interrupts their first dance to say Beyoncé did it better. Obvs.
Beyoncé and Jay-z
The king and queen of the music industry took a professional hiatus just after 2017, deciding to swap the limelight for real life. They are currently obese and spend their days dancing around their multi million pound Florida mansion eating Twinkies, drinking milkshakes and strutting their stuff to Bootylicious. They’re minted, so why shouldn’t they? Blue Ivy is in the midst of a gothic, rebellious teen angst stage, disgusted at why this cruel life has landed her with such uncool parents. Her little brother, Purple, is trying to break into the UK rap game with a new single, N***** in Newcastle, but people are struggling to take him seriously since his dad went off the rails.
Stevi Ritchie and Chloe Jasmine
After participating as a couple in various reality shows like Strictly and Come Dine With Me, the couple find huge success in I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here. Stevi excels in all tasks such as tree climbing and comfortably gobbles witchetty grubs and other insects. Chloe gets a fright one day when she goes down to wash in the river to finds Stevi re-attaching his face because he is, in fact a giant lizard in disguise. She always knew there was something shifty about his face but now she understands his secret and realises that their whole relationship had been a lie. They carry on for the cameras though, obviously.
Pitbull and himself
After exhausting the list of Z-list celebs to collaborate with, Pitbull decides to take on a new business venture and opens a theme park called The Mr Worldwide Experience in Mexico. For a mere $500 you can be transformed into the bald rapper himself, complete with stick-on goatee and sunglasses and walk through sets of his various music videos with the opportunity to meet bedraggled collaborators such as J-Lo and Ke$ha (who aren’t being held against their will, honest). At the end you will pass through a compulsory washing room called the ‘champagne shower’ and be handed towels with dollar signs and goodie bags containing his new modestly named single ‘Emperor of the Universe.’
